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How to (anxiously) build community
This past weekend, an overwhelming joy washed over me as I drove away from a local meetup event for creatives. I couldn't stop smiling, thinking about the creative, funny, and kind people I met that night, and feeling so warm and fulfilled and proud for putting myself out there.
On the way to that same event, it was a different story. There was an entire battle happening inside my body.
I (maybe like you) have social anxiety / generalized anxiety disorder. I love meeting people and throwing myself into new situations. It's just that the journey to get to that point can be exhausting.
Getting into therapy talk for just a brief moment here - because of my learned behaviors and traumas, my brain goes into overdrive whenever I am anticipating an unknown situation. Like meeting new people. And being in an unfamiliar space.
Over the years, I've learned to make peace with my anxiety because I know it's only my body trying to keep me safe. It thinks that I need to prepare for any potential risks and fight-or-flight scenarios. So I end up overthinking everything. And dreading whatever that situation is.
I've learned to recognize the signs and reassure my brain that things are ok.
So I comforted myself into going to the creatives meetup event.
And, sure, it was scary to get there and not know a single person. But I promised myself I'd stay for at least one hour and make at least one new friend.
The secret for me is to do it scared, sure - but do it. All it takes is that first "hello".
Everyone else at that event was in the same boat; we were all there to meet new people. So that made it infinitely easier to go up to a stranger, say hello, and start a conversation.
And before I knew it, things started to flow. I relaxed. And because I did so, my body realized it was ok to let my guard down a bit more. No fight-or-flight required (right now).
Two hours flew by, and I had said "hello" to about 10 people. 10 human connections. And the important part is not whether any of us become besties or not, or never see each other again, but that, for a brief moment, we took up our own space and acknowledged each other. We were all there to have a good time and be kind and forget about all of the craziness and despair in the world. For a moment, we could connect as humans and feel part of something greater - a community.
If putting yourself out there scares you even half as much as it scares me, please also be kind to yourself! And don't forget to pat yourself on the back when you come back from the other side, having reached out to your community and made new human connections :)
You are the spark
Despite feeling so exhausted on certain days from work and all of our other a d u l t responsibilities, I've come to realize that intentionality is the key to living. Spending your time with intention and being present while you do so.
Sure, there are moments where it's healthy to turn off our brains and not make any plans. To spend some time taking care of ourselves. But it's also essential that we balance that with spending intentional time with our communities.
As I've moved around and gotten older, I've found it harder and harder to 1. find community, and 2. maintain it.
Let's unpack that first part.
Finding community for me has looked like researching local meetups that involve a shared interest and passion. For instance, because I wanted to combine my love for music with my desire for a more active musical activity, I ended up joining a local secular choir. By showing up and spending 2 hours a week with that group, I met some of the kindest people ever, and I made some of my best friends in the process - all sparked through our shared love for music.
But sometimes the community you're looking for doesn't quite exist yet. The pieces are there - people with overlapping interests and the desire to connect around those interests - but what's missing is the spark to bring everyone together. And that might just be you!
If you are at all moved to start a community of your own for something you're passionate about, do it. Even if you're scared. If you're unsure. Start small. Try to find 3-5 people who are interested, whether close friends, or mutual friends, or friends of friends. By intentionally organizing a meetup and showing up, community is built. The hard part is done. Now comes the other (equally?) hard part - maintaining that community.
As I mentioned previously, I'm no stranger to being drained after a long day of work and feeling like I have no energy left to intentionally show up for others. But what I've come to realize is that community can (and should!) give us back energy too. It should fill us, not add to that feeling of exhaustion.
Give yourself the grace to go at your own pace and not force yourself to show up to an event. You need to show up for yourself first before you can show up for others.
But when you do show up, whether that's by helping to organize community events or simply participating as a member of that community, hopefully you feel the joy of community.
Our communities are everything. They are the people who will have our backs when push comes to shove. They will help remind us of the good in life. They will help remind us of why we fell in love with a particular interest in the first place. And they will give us something to look forward to, in every meetup.
The year of ludd
Have you heard about the widespread analog movement? More and more of my friends have started mentioning social media detoxes, or trying to turn their smart phones into "dumb" phones, or changing their routines to have dedicated offline moments. I've felt the desire to be offline more often myself.
And I see more and more people feeling the same, and events taking shape around that movement - including the Summer of Ludd. Ludd in this case being short for, of course, Luddites - the name borrowed from Ned Ludd, the English folk hero who inspired 19th-century workers in their fight against industrialization.
The term luddite has regained popularity in the era of AI as a derogatory term. Technocrats and AI defenders use it to label anyone who advocates for safety, ethics, and caution when it comes to this technology. They claim that AI is the sensible next step in human evolution and that we must enable extreme acceleration of technological development - progress at any cost. To go against that is to commit a sin - to go against human evolution. And so they frequently use terms like luddites to insult those AI skeptics.
But a lot of people, myself included, are trying to reclaim that term as a positive label for someone who simply wants technology to be created, maintained, and used ethically.
And so we have this new wave of community dedicated to reclaiming our attention, taking it back from our smart phones and social media. Events like Summer of Ludd focus on helping people understand how these platforms profit off them - their attention, their emotional state, their wallets, and their data - and reminding us all that there is a better, more meaningful world away from these screens.
I've felt called to help organize these events myself! To contribute to community and to resisting the notion that social media is the only way we can stay connected. (I'm thinking of calling it "Year of Ludd" or something like that hehe)
There's a quote that resonates deeply with me in my desire to build community:
"Love is the most sustaining. To love our communities enough to act, we must hold our attentions to our presence. The many people and living things we cohabitate our regions with, the quiet, gentle, and persistent movement in life."*
*Unfortunately, I've lost the author's name... please let me know if you recognize this!
Love is the ultimate secret to building community. And so it's only fitting that "Summer of Ludd" is also a play on "Summer of Love" (I admit it took me a while to realize that). Our communities are brought together by love, sustained through love, and promote love.
Community-building is done to serve a community in the pursuit of connection, exchange of ideas, sharing struggle, art, craft, creating, etc. - done with kindness, intention, and love.
☕️ I'd love to hear how you've been finding, building and maintaining community. Any thoughts or tips? Comment below or shoot me an email at howkind@mateusdasilva.com :-)
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🎷This was issue #5 of How Kind, spreading kindness, one newsletter at a time. See the full archive here.
